"T" is for Trust
These children have lost trust in the people who are trying to care for them, the people who are neglecting them, and/or with the world at large. Many experts stress consistency and structure and encourage parents to implement a routine that is to be followed daily. I think there is a place for doing things the same way, especially at bedtime, but too much structure can be harmful. In the case of children with Reactive Attachment Disorder, it gives these hyper-vigilant children the tools they need to increase their own ability to control both parents and situations.
I think some unpredictability can be helpful, so children can learn the important skills of how to adjust and adapt to changes. Examples can be that yesterday was a clean room day but today is a messy room day and we don’t care how it looks. Today we might wear our clothes backwards and we might eat dinner for breakfast and breakfast for dinner. Instead of limiting time on an electronic device, you can choose a day where they are allowed to be on it for a long time. Who knows? Maybe it’s a day to learn tap dancing on YouTube! This is an area where you can and should have fun while instilling the ability to go with the flow.
If everything is always the same then when things change, as they inevitably do, children who have not been able to practice adaptation will be thrown for a loop. There might be a substitute teacher, a surprise assembly, or their best friend is absent, and these small bumps can incite the child’s behavior to turn south quickly. There may be breakdowns, temper tantrums, volatile behavior, etc.
It’s much better to help children learn to manage their emotions than to create an artificial environment that will never be a reality. The simple truth is that life is ever-changing and helping kids understand and face challenges or disruptions is the best help we can give them. In the event of needing to provide a consequence for poor behavior that is a result of unpredictability, remember from Chapter 5 that in their mind you become the villain and they become the victim, so it’s important that we keep using consistent language, i.e. they have failed to earn a privilege and it is their choice that lost that reward and it will be their choice that can restore it.
The most important way to earn trust is to be sure to follow through on whatever consequence you deem appropriate. If you tell them that they will not be able to have screen time (TV, tablet, etc.) for a week, then it needs to be a week. I found this specific consequence to be almost impossible to follow through on, and it does not prove to be effective. For one thing, I was never able to hold that line for a whole week and would generally give in when they apologized sweetly, started behaving better, or I had something I needed to accomplish that would be easier if they were occupied.
So, if we can’t follow through with the consequences, they will know how to manipulate their caregivers to get what they want. If you can sustain the one-week consequence, they will likely forget in the end what they did to lose the privilege, and they may as well not start making good choices until the week is up because there is no benefit to them being better behaved earlier on in the week.
The better approach is the carrot and stick. If they can continue to earn what they want, they can lose something they love, a tablet for instance, and begin to earn it back within a quick timeframe. For a younger child, this could even be fifteen minutes, and they could be rewarded for listening, calming down and doing as they are told. Returning the item will then reward their positive behavior; thus, the behavior we reward will increase and the behavior we ignore will decrease.
I have counseled teenagers who have their phone on Tuesday if their behavior is satisfactory on Monday (and so on through the week), so that they will always have that privilege as long as they are following rules and being honest and respectful.
Implementing very short consequences also decreases the “good cop/bad cop” parenting dilemma. I counsel many parents who have been positioned into set roles and it’s difficult to break out of them. In the long run, it is not productive or enjoyable to constantly be using these dynamics and being either the soft touch or the disciplinarian can be exhausting. It also encourages children to triangulate and pit their parents against each other. This can happen in intact family units, but it’s even more likely in disrupted families where the parents are not communicating well. Placing the responsibility of communication on the shoulders of the children allows them to spin whatever narrative works best for them. Even subconsciously a child may spin the narrative to get the other parent to believe what the child wants them to believe.
Unfortunately, the side effect of this is that children are not being accurate reporters, and it’s all too easy for each parent to believe what the other is doing wrong. It can be helpful for each parent to have a definitive parenting approach because kids figure out quickly what each expects and can deliver. However, in an unpredictable environment with unpredictable caregivers, children find it difficult to trust, and it also becomes difficult for caregivers to anticipate each other’s consequences and expectations. Parents and caregivers should have clear, kind, and open communication between each other to prevent misunderstandings and the potential for manipulation. The responsibility of communication between the parents rests with the parents.
Authenticity is one of the most powerful tools a parent can offer to their child. When we parent
from a place of genuine reflection and self-awareness, rather than perfection or
performance, we model honesty, empathy, and self-acceptance. Children learn far more from who we are than from what we say, and they instinctively recognize when something doesn’t feel real, resulting in a loss of trust. Authentic parenting doesn’t mean oversharing or losing boundaries; it means allowing your child to see you as a real person, meaning admitting mistakes, expressing real emotions in healthy ways, and showing them that imperfection is normal. This builds trust, emotional safety, and resilience within the family dynamic.
When parents feel pressure to “get it right” all the time, they can unintentionally disconnect from their instincts or their child’s needs. Choosing authenticity over image invites understanding instead of shame. It allows children to grow up knowing that love isn’t conditional on performance and that they, too, can be their full, imperfect selves. In counseling, we often see how returning to authenticity, both as individuals and as families, helps reset patterns and restores relationships to a more grounded, compassionate place.
Even when things are different than the norm, a child can learn to trust what is authentic, and authenticity is an issue at the core of some of these children. I make it a point not to make promises because not everything is within our control and if we can’t follow through, the child needs to know that this sometimes happens. But to the best of our ability, at home, school, sports or other environments, if we do our best to be true to our word, children can understand that sometimes intention or effort is enough. Not being able to follow through is another unpredictable situation, but one that is unplanned.
Parents can help kids understand that they themselves are disappointed when things don’t go to plan and something different needs to happen, but we can remain flexible. Coming back to what was explored in Chapters 5 and 6, modeling the behavior that we want to see in our children is so important. It is possible for children who have learned not to trust can begin to believe in the world again, but the key is to follow through with consistency in consequences, being authentic, and showing respect to your children and the other adults in their lives.
