Chapter 5 - “O” is for Options
I think most parents incorporate offering options or choices to their kids as a way to help them start making independent decisions. This is a wonderful starting place! However, it’s important in these instances that the parent or caregiver retains control over the options that are offered, and it doesn’t become a slippery slope and simply a façade of control. For example, if I tell my child that they can choose peas or carrots for dinner, they will likely come up with something else like green beans or corn. In response, I would let them know that green beans or corn are possibilities for another dinner but tonight, their choices are only peas or carrots. In this hypothetical, my child might then say they don’t want either which is, of course, a third option but that one comes with consequences of no dessert or no snack later because they didn’t eat any vegetables, which is a requirement to have dessert or snack privileges.
Sometimes children can come up with their own options/choices which gives them some autonomy, but they must always understand that parents and guardians are the facilitators of these options and can, in a way, veto them, so that children can be safe and healthy. Reminder – children can choose what to think, what to feel, what to say (and not to say), and how to act. More often than not when given the opportunity following some practice in beneficial options, many children make smarter choices and take the better options for themselves, especially if they are given the respect that would allow them to feel proud and confident about their decisions, thus building upon the element of control and self-esteem from the last chapter. When boundaries are in place and children feel safe, they can take a few risks within those boundaries that might turn out well but also might allow them to see that they have not put themselves in the best position and therefore learn from those other options.
We want children to have enough freedom so that they can make mistakes while they still have a safety net to protect them. Remember the concept of parents being a soft place to fall from Chapter 3? Options are a big part of that. The concept of “falling” is important. Too many parents try to shield their children from consequences, so they are too often “rescued" in a parent’s attempt to protect them from discomfort. Then when they launch either to college or to the workforce, they panic because they have never faced failure on their own and/or were not given the opportunity to find a solution on their own.
I’ve seen kids go to college completely unprepared for the freedom that they suddenly have, and they become overwhelmed and self-destruct in the face of the vast array of options they have and the choices they can make. Sometimes they make some really poor decisions that they are reluctant to share with their parents. For this reason, nurturing a child's decision-making skills when regarding options leads to important autonomy and, ultimately, independence.
Divorce
I’ve had many parents come in because they are divorcing and are extremely concerned about how this will impact their child(ren). Often, they were the children of divorce swearing they would not subject their kids to this situation but are now in the same position their parents were in years before.
I let these parents know that the goal is to strengthen and empower their children and even though they might be doing it earlier or in a different way than they planned, adversity is not the worst thing that can happen to a child. I’m not saying it doesn’t impact the child, even possibly negatively, but like every black cloud, it can have a silver lining if we look for it. Because times have changed, your child isn’t likely to be the first one to experience divorce; in actuality, many children in their class will have already lived through this and your child may already be accustomed to seeing their friends in dad’s house or mom’s house, so it is more routine. Children will need to learn that their schedule will be different, but not necessarily worse. Children who have overcome adversity become stronger and more able to work out their own problems.
Most children require little to no counseling when there is a change in family dynamics, but their chance of success increases dramatically if the parents are able to be civil to each other, at least in front of the kids. I have seen parents who seemingly hate each other but, as far as the kids are concerned, the situation is fine because the adults are mature enough to insulate this issue away from the kids.
Having options on when and where the children are spending their time can also influence the success of any disruption. Parents who fight constantly for “their” time can damage the relationship with the child because the child feels they have no say in where they live.
Joint custody is often the most common parenting plan or court order but if a parent refuses to be flexible, then they can lose their children’s faith and trust. Insisting on having the child because it’s “my time” can reduce the child’s identity to being a commodity or it can weaponize them in a battle they have no interest in engaging in. My advice is to, as much as possible, allow some flexibility, especially for very young children who may be more attached to one parent or the other.
Role modeling will help your child learn how to take the best and healthiest options in life, which may lead to breaking generational patterns if they haven’t been already disrupted. Challenge yourself to walk the talk and make good choices and seek out better options. Teaching children to keep their power (as discussed in Chapter 4) and not let external drama solely dictate their emotions will help them be safer, and safety is what is at risk when their lives might change by having to move to a different house or switch from one house to another. It becomes a huge task for them to try to remember what day they go where and when they need to remember to bring their sports equipment or school supplies. Whenever possible, having doubles of things, maybe purchased from thrift stores, can help the child feel less frustrated when their things are always at the other parents’ house.
This is also a good time to talk about the best tip for when children go back and forth. Many parents are eager to see their child after a period of time and, with the best of intentions, their first question is “How did things go?” or “Did you have fun at dad’s/mom’s?” These questions sound very loaded to kids, and children can naturally become defensive or protective. I suggest some quiet decompression time for a period of 20 to 30 minutes where they can play on a tablet or if they are dropped off, have some time alone in their room or simply giving them some space. Immediately telling them dinner is ready or that they have clothes to fold feels like pressure, so having just a little down time allows the child to settle in and re-acclimate in this other space. Again, it allows them to have some control over their ability to adjust and some grace to self-regulate.
When control is at issue, and everyone feels powerless, children can act out, but it is not necessarily the actual disruption that can impact their moods and behaviors, but a loss of the familiar and a worry about the unknown. Allowing your child to continue to have options within reasonable limits will ensure that the relationships will remain intact. That should be the goal: to nurture positive relationships that can withstand the ups and downs of life.
