Chapter 8 - Respect/Reflective Tone
Respect is key to my entire approach. It is a very popular opinion in Appalachia, and likely in other areas as well, that respect needs to be earned to be deserved and if I am not shown respect, I don’t need to return respect. I think this is faulty thinking; when I worked with foster kids, especially teens, the first thing I told them is, “I will respect you, if you respect me.” They had heard various forms of that statement throughout their lives and understood it. What they didn’t anticipate was what I said next... “I will show you respect, even if you don’t show me respect.”
This always took them by surprise, but I explained that I would be respectful because I was an adult, a professional, and a role model. Even more importantly, I am a respectful person, and they would not be the one who would change that about me. If I’m the nicest person in the world and they come in and disrespect me, it would be out of character to suddenly be rude and mean and it would be them changing who I am or how I respond. Only I get to decide who I am, and they are not going to be so powerful in my life that I would allow them to define me. It takes some time to convince others of this, but if they understand it, they are able to strengthen who they are as people and keep boundaries in place easier. It all goes back to what I explained in Chapter 4 about personal power and who you allow to have power over you.
My techniques work in part because I want parents/caregivers to show respect at all times, especially when they are not being respected in return. Mistakes are going to be made but if parents can lay down their heads ontheir pillows at night and know that they were respectful, loving, and kind, it’s a good day. If that didn’t happen, forgiveness and grace need to be given—to yourself. Tomorrow is a new day. Forgiveness is given on a daily/hourly basis to everyone involved because everyone is just doing their best. I find that the hardest people to forgive are ourselves.
I extend grace to others far easier than I offer it to myself. I can understand why others fail even when they are doing their best but I have to work harder at letting myself off the hook. The reality is this is really tough. These kids are bright and strong and they can go for the jugular but as much as it seems like it, it is not personal...it is protection. They just need to understand at some point that you are all on the same team and have the same goals.
Lying
Children often lie because they don’t recognize or care about disrespecting others, so long as they are shown respect. Years ago, I had a particularly hard time with an 11-year-old girl and her choice to constantly lie.Consequences didn’t seem to matter to her, so, with the support of the care team, I implemented “lying Wednesdays.” We included teachers and her foster mom in the plan, and all agreed to lie to her on Wednesdays.Being forthcoming, we told the child prior to implementing this strategy that on Wednesdays we would lie to her. Over the course two Wednesdays the following took place:
The teacher told her she wouldn’t have to take a planned test because she was doing well, but it was a Wednesday, so she’d have to take the test after all. I stopped by the house and told her to get her coat on because we were going to Dairy Queen. After she skipped down the sidewalk, I reminded her that it was Wednesday and I was lying. Later, the foster mom told her if she helped her clean the kitchen quickly, they were going to make cookies together. After the kitchen was sparkling clean, the foster mom reminded her it was Wednesday, and she just needed to get ready for bed.
The child was absolutely indignant that we lied to her and felt completely disrespected and angry. In a counseling session, we processed how she feels and how we all feel when we are lied to. An important part to note here is that after children are a certain age, they don’t need long conversations about their mistakes. In fact, older children are really skilled at zoning out and not really listening, so it should only ever be a sentence or two about the mistake, briefly explain and apply the consequence, and then move on. Conversations longer than three sentences should be only positive to encourage the child and be uplifting. Trust me, most of them don’t feel worthy, respected, or filled with the autonomy to course correct, especially after 30-minutes of having flaws pointed out to them.
It only took two lying Wednesdays, and the girl stopped lying consistently. It still happened on occasion but was much less of a problem than it had been. In other scenarios, it has taken an average of two days because once someone has experienced disrespect in a controlled environment, they often try to do better in offering the truth. In the majority of my practice, I don’t focus too heavily on truths or lies and aim more for accurate reporting. I point out that news reporters work to report the news accurately, sticking to facts rather than feelings. Focusing on accurate reporting just tells how an event happened without interpretation, a skill older children and teenagers are developing. More information regarding accurate reporting will be explored in Chapter 9.
Reflective Tone
When I first set out to write this, the “R” in CONTROL only stood for “Respect,” but after reading The Neurobiology of Attachment Focused Therapy (mentioned in Chapter 1) I was interested in how Baylin and Hughes used Reflective Tone in therapy. It seemed to contradict the goal of neutrality. However, I was intrigued and I began using it in my sessions with children with RAD traits and had such success that I began coaching parents and caregivers in using it as well.
In one example, two brothers that I had worked with sporadically since they were very young had lost their mother due to a drug overdose. Their grandmother was caring for them, and they returned to counseling to process their grief and have additional support. There was a lot of animosity between the two brothers and during one session where both boys were present, the older one said, “You wouldn’t like [the younger one] if you knew what he did to me.” Over the course of the session, he described that several years earlier the mother had instructed the younger boy to "lock the older one out." Normally I would have listened sympathetically but with neutrality, but this time I used a reflective tone. Matching the tone of the older boy, I said, “That must have been so scary, and you must have been so upset and angry.” He broke down, having finally felt heard and believed, and it led to him shedding a lot of emotion and as even more than that, he received an apology and the support of his brother and the two of them were able to start the journey of healing between them.
When a person is angry, an angry tone can be used. Not angry words or anger at the person, but loudly saying, “I can hear how angry you are and how much this has been bothering you!” in an angry-sounding voice, getting to the root of responding with empathy, and not just sympathy. It can work wonders in gaining a child’s trust because they often feel as if no one is listening or respecting them, so respect and the addition of a reflective tone work well together, and can also go along with neutrality as everyone gets to feel how they feel, but it’s not always in our best interest to let others know how we feel.
I’m still exploring how neutrality and reflective tone can work together because there is a time and place for everything. When your child is trying to get under your skin as a way of controlling you and your emotions, neutrality might be the best course of action. If they know how they can make you angry, driving the bus so to speak, it’s best for them to not know where the figurative keys are or be gratified for being able to get you to react.
At other times, when a child honestly seems to be having trouble regulating their emotions, it’s a good opportunity to try using a reflective tone so they know you are present with them and hearing how they feel. This is the chance to demonstrate empathy, so they are able to practice developing that as well.
There are a lot of grey areas in life and even more in parenting. When the child is seeing black and white, it’s challenging to offer grey to them, but it is helpful for them to understand that life is not as clearly black and white, right and wrong or good and bad. Life is often lived in grey areas.
