C.O.N.T.R.O.L. Overview
So, if telling children they have no control isn’t the answer, then what is? Total control of everything? Of course not, but since children do often feel impotent, I feel that we need to first empower the parent and then the child.
I start by telling the child that their parents have two jobs as parents:
To love them and keep them safe, and
To make sure they know how to follow rules.
No one is happy or successful if they don’t know how to follow rules, and they might not be safe either. If I decide today that I no longer want to stop at red lights, what will happen? Younger children tell me I’ll get a ticket or go to jail, and I let them know I’d be lucky if those things happened but more dangerously, I could be killed or kill someone else. Rules are important for living in our society and we don’t get better at anything unless we practice. I give an example that the child can relate to like baseball, bike riding, dance, etcetera and ask them if they’ve needed to practice in order to get better. They all agree – yes, it takes practice.
More recently, considering the effects of the COVID pandemic, school shootings, social media and state testing, I have added a third job in our role as parents, very like the first. I ask parents
To be a soft place to fall.
Life is kicking the snot out of our children right now, not just RAD kids but all kids, and no one is more uniquely qualified to pick up the pieces than the parent. As a counselor, I don’t want to be the only safe place a child has and strongly encourage parents to ease up on any unrealistic expectations and help their child feel safe and loved. No matter what a child has been through, it is a tough world right now and they need to feel safe most of all.
In contrast to the principles of traditional attachment therapy where they tell the child they have no control, I believe it should be the opposite. I think we need to teach children that they have complete control, but only of themselves, not of others or situations. They don’t get to choose all the time or win all the time because then no one else gets to win and there’s little balance.
I want to empower the parent or primary caregiver to be in charge because many truly aren’t. If the child is ruling the roost, those children usually go to school and feel like they should be in charge there as well which leads to little success and lowering self-esteem as they try harder to assert their dominance, either over staff or peers. I want the parent to be able to say, “Because I said so” as was done in the past because sometimes that is an okay answer. My best parents, remembering childhood punishments doled out with no explanation, go to great lengths to explain a punishment, which I believe waters down their authority and gives too much engagement and connection to a child following a negative behavior. It’s an established fact that if you reward negative behaviors, you are sure to see more of them because many children naturally desire attention.
I actually avoid using the words “punishment” or “discipline” in favor of using the word “consequences” instead. With consequences there are three choices: a positive consequence, the lack of a positive consequence, or a negative consequence and if words are used carefully, you can avoid getting into a power struggle with a child. For example, if you say their toys must be picked up before you leave for practice, it can become a hostage situation. It’s better to say at the time that the toys are finally picked up that they can have a treat or do a fun activity, like play a game of Uno. Since these are optional rewards, they are easier to enforce and thus reinforce good behavior.
Once you’ve found yourself in a power struggle you’ve already lost, but it is also important to prevail through the struggle because the adult must be in charge. When the adult is not in charge, children can feel unsafe – even if they are not aware of these feelings. Succeeding in the power struggle can mean a few different things: holding out until they have complied or changing your mind because you are in charge and have that right, but it’s a stronger option if you go with an appropriate consequence in the first place.
After empowering the parent, I then want to empower the child to be in charge of themselves and understand that they are able to make decisions every day that will enhance their lives and make them feel more capable, thus increasing self-esteem and autonomy. I stress that only adults the parents select are able to tell children what to do within reason such as grandparents, teachers, principals, and coaches. These are not people they don’t know, because it’s dangerous to teach a child they have to obey all adults in these uncertain times. I feel that when children understand why parents make rules and help them follow them, then it will decrease the resentment they feel when they are constantly told what to do at home or at school. Resentment often leads to negative behaviors or low self-esteem and self-confidence.
And since we are shaping our children’s behaviors, it doesn’t have to be black and white. I love forgiveness and “do-overs.” I encourage children to say, “That sounded different in my head, let me say it again” or parents can say, “I’m not likely to respond to that tone but if you’d like to say it a different way, we could probably talk about it.” I even counsel children as young as five to finish arguments in their head, so the other person can have the last word and the argument stops, and they are much better at practicing this than adults. Many arguments continue simply because both parties need to have the last word; I hear this often from parents. They are frustrated because their children feel they always have to have a comeback. If the child can say their final shot silently in their head, the argument is over.
My goal for children is to be kind, honest, and respectful and to earn what they want on a daily basis and my goal for parents is to be loving, respectful, and confidently in charge and if they go to sleep at night and the day hasn’t been a 100% success, forgive yourself and try again tomorrow because some days will be challenging and some days will be easier.
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