Chapter 4 - “C” is for Control
Note: If you have not read the Preface through Chapter 3, please do so. Some of the tactics explained below will be difficult to implement well if taken out of context.
As stated throughout the preceding chapters, most children’s behaviors stem from control because one of the early defining qualities of being human is “I want what I want when I want it” and all children move through their initial years seeking gratification and control. But since RAD children didn’t have “it” (i.e. comfort, food, security, or even a diaper change) when they needed it, their needs and wants as older children are more intense and driven.
Between the ages of two and 18 it is the parents’ job to teach their child the following:
They may get what they want, but they have to wait for it,
They may get what they want, but they have to work for it,
In the immortal words of Mick Jagger, “You don’t always get what you want”, and
They need to learn how to filter what they say. It’s never too early to teach a child that they don’t have to say something just because they think it.
Power
As explained in Chapter 3, I begin my work with RAD children by making sure the child knows that they will be practicing how to follow rules so they can be happy, successful and safe when they grow up. Once children understand why parents are making rules, I tell them I understand that many children get tired of being told what to do all the time and ask if they would like to hear about their personal power. For younger children I introduce them to the personal superpower they have inside themselves and ask if they want to hear more about it. Every day, children are told when to get up, what to eat, sometimes what to wear, when to get their math books out, etc. ...it’s endless. However, I empower them in explaining that every minute of every day they get to choose
What to think,
How to feel,
What to say,
What not to say, and
How to act.
The outcome is generally dependent on the choices they make throughout the day. Life isn’t fair. (My usual quip to the typical “But it’s not fair!” is “The fair is in August.”) And life is unfortunately not equal, but overall, better choices lead to better outcomes or consequences.
Who Has Your Power?
After this first lesson has settled and when they are ready to move forward, I lead them through something a bit more complicated. When they get angry, scared, anxious, etc., it’s as if they are handing their power to other people, ideas, or fears. Those people or worries are not snatching their power, it is given voluntarily, and it can be taken back as well. I ask children, “Who should be defining you and deciding how to think or feel?” and even the youngest can say, “Me.”
It is a very popular belief, especially in older generations and rural areas, that respect needs to be earned and if you’re not shown respect, you don’t have to return it. I understand this concept, but I think we would all be better humans if we didn’t allow others to choose our moods and behaviors, in essence - our reactions. I tell kids that they can disrespect me and I will still show them respect, partly because I am an adult and a professional, but it runs deeper than that. I choose to continue to show them respect because I am a respectful person, and I am unwilling for them to determine what I say or do.
This alone is so empowering to a person. I don’t have to react to how others are being unkind or acting, I can choose to keep being me, the best version of me, and respond as me rather than always reacting. It’s okay to be mad and sad, but I’m not sure it’s in the child’s best interest to let others know where their weaknesses are.
Here is a small, but effective, example from my own life. After a particularly challenging day and coming home to a minor mess in the kitchen caused by one of my children, I began slamming cabinet doors in a huff when my husband came in and asked me point blank, “Who had my power?” My first instinct might have been to snap back at him, but I stopped and thought to myself that I ask people to do this every day and if I can’t do it myself then I’m a complete fraud and hypocrite. In the moment, it wasn’t easy, but I pulled my power back, took a deep breath, smiled, spent literally ten seconds cleaning up, and made dinner.
We had a nice evening, eating together. Then I knitted, we walked a mile and ended the day with a good night’s sleep. With a different response the outcome would have been worse. I could have called my child downstairs and gotten into a blow-up fight for a minor mess. She would have gone back upstairs feeling like she hated me, I would have felt like I hated her, and mostly I would have hated myself because I’m not by nature an angry person. The evening could easily have been ruined, and I would have blamed her but in reality, it would have been my choices and reactions that would have caused the fallout.
I’ve shared that story with many parents, and during one session a mother asked me what my child had learned from my choice to not make her clean it up. This misses the entire point of it all. She knew how to clean up, me yelling at her one more time was not going to change the trajectory of her life, but me making the active, conscious choice not to yell at her changed mine.
The point is that often children have exquisite control over themselves when they choose to, but RAD kids would rather control everyone and everything around them and then feel like they have no control when they are thwarted. If we can get RAD children to accept the notion that it’s how they think and behave that will lead to their outcomes, then they feel empowered and become very proud of the choices they make that put them in more advantageous positions.
Identifying Strengths
Many girls between the ages of eleven and nineteen who don’t feel confident about themselves have passed their power out to the masses and have allowed others, many who they don’t know or care about, to judge their appearance, their personality, and their motives. After discussing personal power and voluntarily giving their power away, I have kids identify their strengths. If they can’t think of anything, working on their self-esteem and confidence moves up drastically in the treatment goals. Then we talk about how they can use those strengths to get up every day and be the best them that they can be: the best child, the best sibling, the best friend, the best student, the best person. Not the best out of everyone they know, but their best.
When a child struggles with identifying strengths, it is often helpful to ask them what their mom or their best friend might say about them. Another tactic is to ask them what they like about a loved one and when they identify caring, loyal, or passionate etc., you can then say, “It sounds like those are traits you value...is it possible that you share those traits as well?”
Reinforcing or Creating Boundaries
Eventually, this leads to a discussion on boundaries, my favorite “B” word. Where and how kids set their boundaries are crucial and those boundaries can move throughout the day. Some should be in their “bubble”, and some should not, but since RAD children have virtually no boundaries, it is imperative that not only do those around them (caregivers, teachers, siblings, friends, etc.) need to have excellent boundaries, but the kids need to be taught what boundaries even are.
I help children understand that there are physical boundaries where they live or at school and the boundaries I am talking about are invisible. If someone is standing too close, that makes some people uncomfortable, but less visible is a friend manipulating by trying to get you to do something they might feel is morally or ethically wrong. A friend can want to do something at a child’s house that the child knows is wrong but might be talked into it. Setting boundaries can be as simple as teaching your child that it’s okay to say no to friends and to adults if it doesn’t feel like a safe suggestion. Another tactic is helping children think things through. If I do A, then I need to understand that B, C, and possibly D might happen and ask myself, “Is that the outcome that would be best for me?” It’s challenging to teach something we might think is common sense, but mapping out and talking about consequences can be helpful for children who need to learn a clear structure or framework.
I used to have a client who had no boundaries but had a keen talent to find adults with shaky boundaries which got several of the adults into real trouble. RAD kids can be very charming and look like they are seeking mentorship or help when they are actually using manipulation to have a fake relationship with someone who they probably shouldn’t be around at all. It can be very dangerous to both the child and the adult, so boundaries are the most important for healthy relationships.
If you are interacting with a child who seems too overly friendly or ingratiating before they really get to know you, this is a warning sign to be careful with what kind of relationship you allow. Like I have said, these kids don’t always map out their intentions in a concrete fashion, but it is more out of instinct and having had success getting what they wanted in the past because someone didn’t have boundaries. It’s so easy to feel sorry for kids who have had a hard life that we want to make things better for them, but relaxing boundaries will be harmful in the long run.
Because RAD kids’ perceptions vary so greatly from accurate depictions, I will not agree to a counseling session if the caregiver isn’t very involved. I have had too many children tell me how great they are doing, only to have the caregiver look at them like they have two heads and then say they’ve had the worst week on record. The child will sit innocently as if they don’t even know what the caregiver is talking about. I believe that individual counseling without communicating constantly with the parent/guardian leads to much more damage to the child because the therapist or counselor becomes just one more person that the child can successfully manipulate, giving them more power that they shouldn’t have and certainly don’t need.
All kids want some structure and ability to feel good about themselves, and giving in to their every whim isn't the way to get that structure or truly build authentic and positive self-esteem. When children are taught that they can have control but it’s only over themselves and not over guardians or situations, then they can truly start to feel as if they are going to succeed in getting their needs met and accomplishing their goals.
