"It's All About Control" - Chapter 10

"L” is for Love

According to the Beatles, “All You Need is Love.” Debatable but possible. Love is such an important and vital part of our lives. We see how people thrive when they are supported by a family, friends, and community, but imagine what our lives would be like if we didn't have that support system in place from the beginning and that we had only ourselves to rely upon. These children may not have had that love and engagement from the very beginning and may have spent months or even years simply surviving. This is the most understandable path to RAD, but as I have said earlier in these posts, there are multiple paths to get there.

A difficult to understand and complicated trait is that children with RAD frequently only feel value and self-worth through the pity and sympathy of others. I have seen so many children who feel no sense of self-worth because if the people who created you aren’t apparently interested in your well-being, it becomes a challenge to believe and sustain that for yourself. RAD kids frequently mix up love and pity because they haven’t always experienced real love, or at least unconditional love given consistently by the same people. Love may seem like a universal and obvious emotion/action, but it really isn’t when you consider that it is often withheld or absent in some situations and from some children.

When you haven’t received love, it is very hard to give it freely. It is a foreign emotion or one that is convoluted with other emotions. Working with kids in foster care for over a decade showed me case after case where it’s hard for kids to trust loving caregivers. For starters, foster care is ideally a temporary situation so the child might not feel safe to love and trust but even when they are going into an adoptive situation, these kids can keep pushing the envelope to see how far they can go before these people will give up on them as all the others have. I have witnessed children be placed in over twenty homes before they land at the final one, so it’s understandable that trust isn’t a given in their world. Learning how to trust and learning how to love is the norm for most but sadly not everyone has this opportunity.

What I suggest to families and caregivers is to make love more actional. “Let’s take a walk together because I love spending quiet time with you.” “I am making your favorite dinner because I love you so much.” “We do nice things for others because we want them to feel our love.” For these children, love should not be shown in the gift giving ofmaterial things, but time spent doing something together like walking, putting together a puzzle, reading together, cooking/baking together, or playing a simple game of Uno. The more the word “love” can be used as an action, the better children can begin to understand the concept.

Children who come into religious homes also struggle with the belief system that God loves everyone because their experience hasn’t been that a loving God has been in their lives. I counseled one child from a religious household where he struggled internally with concepts espoused by his caregivers. This was not understandable to the parents who grew up with this belief and had no reason to doubt it. Patience was challenging for these parents because they could not fathom that God’s love wasn’t obvious to everyone. This situation was challenging for me because it was difficult to communicate to him that he was worthy of love from not only himself, but also his caregivers, the world, and by beliefs and ideas unseen. He wanted to and began opening to the idea of a larger system of love; unfortunately, I was unable to help the parents be consistent with neutrality/non-defensiveness and respect, so success and movement forward was not attainable.

For children who have experienced trauma or disrupted attachments, spiritual or philosophical beliefs about unconditional love (whether rooted in religion or broader values) can be difficult to reconcile with their lived experiences. When a child has not consistently felt safe or valued, abstract concepts such as divine love, universal compassion, or inherent human worth may seem confusing or even invalidating. Caregivers can support these children by approaching such conversations with patience and openness, emphasizing lived experiences of care rather than doctrinal certainty. Modeling love through consistent actions, validating the child’s questions without defensiveness, and allowing space for individual meaning-making can foster a sense of trust and belonging. By framing love as something that is demonstrated through reliable relationships, instead of as solely as a belief to be accepted, adults create an environment where children can gradually explore and internalize a broader understanding of connection, purpose, and worth at their own pace.

I can give many examples of how creating healthy boundaries, applying consistent consequences (follow through), and unconditional love can lead to establishing trust for children. There is a muscle memory and survival instinct that can trigger past fears, but communication can help children understand that what used to be isn’t the only way it can be. Through mentoring and patience, there are so many families that have found their way to break generational family patterns.

Recently, I had the opportunity to help a teenager stop, think, and turn her day around. She had been told by an extended family member that she was “ruining Easter.” I asked her to think about the day and why we don’t have to be perfect, but we can forgive ourselves and choose a different path. She was able to do this, moving forward, and while she might not choose that every time, she now knows she can, and it’s a check in the “win” column. And every win adds to a happier future.

I try to help children and families understand that through love, there are many opportunities to help children see the value in themselves. When they matter to someone else, they can begin to matter to themselves, and self-value and love are one of the keys to success. We can set boundaries and hold a mirror up to these kids that help them see who they are and who they can be. The more this happens, the better the parents will also feel and stop beating themselves up for not being perfect every day. The message is that we get up and do our best and if we’re not perfect, we pick ourselves up and know that we can still do the next right thing.

Children who have experienced disrupted or absent early attachments may struggle to understand and trust love, but through consistently demonstrating love through shared actions, patience, and emotional safety, caregivers can help these children gradually build trust and develop a sense of self-worth.