"It's All About Control" - Chapter 9

"O" is for Others

This next concept is the key to success, but unfortunately it is rather complicated to implement well. Children exhibiting RAD traits can be very attention-seeking and dramatic, and how that manifests is in attempts to be seen as a victim. A small example: a child once candidly stated to me that he’d figured out that to get what he wants, he manipulates people to feel sorry for him. 

Communicating with others present in the child’s life is imperative. To begin, I am constantly discovering from caregivers that they feel extended family members are not supportive of their parenting efforts. In reality, those extended family members are getting their information from the child who is not reporting accurately. If others are not communicating with the caregivers and vice versa, misinformation drives a wedge between those relationships. In many cases, I have worked with parents who werecontemplating cutting off relatives because they weren’t supportive, and they were in a constant state of argument and division. However, the reality of the situation is usually that the children are not reporting accurately and manipulating to control those relationships and benefit from the discord. In the end, after implementing proper communication and boundaries, the relatives are more than happy to help in any way they can. 

Even when family members want to help, if they are not informed of the situation, they are prone to do damage out of a perceived need to protect the child. If parents are doing all they can to be loving, respectful, and set appropriate boundaries, the child can legitimately feel like their power and control over the relationship is slipping so one fix in the child’s mind is to get others on “their” side and work to convince others that they are not being well cared for by their guardians when in fact, the opposite is true. Once everyone involved has clear and honest communication, these children are being held accountable for their choices and will grow to be successful in this world.  

I truly believe one of the main issues at play is how little children with RAD traits are understood by both professionals and society. Because of greater instability in family structures (either economically, or through divorce, or addiction, or myriad other factors) more children are feeling the need to seek control their environment, which essentially leads to incognizance and manipulation. Life has become so busy that it’s challenging to find the time, but the key here is first better understanding and then better communication. However, so much is tasked with people’s time these days that better understanding and better communication can be difficult. Teachers are not only expected to teach, but also to provide mental health services for the (often too many) children in their care. But helping others understand the unique situations your child might be experiencing will help the teacher or extended family member to better know how to help the child and family/relationship dynamics. 

In most cases, when I have sat down with school staff or extended family members, I have been greeted with openness and a desire to better understand what is happening. Many times, they have had past experience with someone with mental health issues and are very excited to learn that there are ways they can help support the child by implementing the same techniques the parents are using. This kind of consistency and communication between adults can hinder the child’s ability to triangulate or play the victim-role. 

Adults who set boundaries are the best way to help children who have not had boundaries develop and maintain them. I emphasize boundaries every chance I get within a session; every person who sits in my chair can tell me what my favorite ‘B’ word is and I like nothing better than having a client come in and proudly tell me how they set a healthy boundary with someone and how good it felt to protect themselves and their personal power. 

Parents and guardians would be best served to reach out more to communicate about what is happening with their child. It doesn’t have to be in person, but emails to school staff or texts to family members can be very effective in providing feedback on what is or is not working with the child because intervention at a younger age can be imperative so the need to control doesn’t lead to later, more serious diagnoses. 

I’ve said earlier in these chapters that untreated, attachment issues can lead to personality disorders, and this is only too real and frequent a possibility. While Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) is now treatable with Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT), it is much easier to divert the traits and channel them to more positive outcomes. Children with RAD traits are so proficient at taking care of themselves that if they can be convinced to see life accurately and make better choices for themselves, they can avoid a personality disorder altogether.  

Borderline Personality Disorder is characterized by attention seeking, a need for drama or chaos, black and white thinking, and a lack of boundaries. In children this can look like immaturity, but in adults these traits can be disastrous for any kind of stabilityor success in relationships or workplaces. Other possibilities include Antisocial Personality Disorder where successful relationships are rarely possible and Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Most of us know and can identify narcissism because it is a better understood mental health disorder, but it is characterized by feelings of grandiosity, a need for control and admiration, and a lack of empathy. 

Everyone, extended family members to school staff members, wants success for children and parents/caregivers and once they understand what is truly happening, they are more than willing to become unified to do what they can to support the primary caregiver, the child, and a successful treatment plan. Having someone else be able to follow the protocol can give very needed relief to the caregiver and help support their efforts. 

Consistency and routine are not as important as the people in the child’s life understanding the dynamics of what is happening. As explored in Chapter 7 and mentioned throughout, I grow weary of experts saying it’s important for children to have a structured routine. Life is far from routine and if you work hard to create only structure with no flexibility, you handicap your child. Coping skills, being adaptable to change, and learning to work through disappointment are all valuable life skills. 

“No man is an island” and parenting can be a very isolating experience whether you are a single parent or have the luxury of someone by your side. Hilary Clinton famously said, “it takes a village” and this becomes truer by the day. Parenting is exhausting and can often feel isolating, especially if it appears that others’ children are succeeding more than yours. 

Social media can make it seem like everyone else has parenting figured out, but that image is often a facade. Perfection is a myth. What you see online is usually a highlight reel, not the full story. It’s easy to look around and feel like others are doing it better than you, but that comparison is rarely grounded in reality. Real support comes from connection. When you involve others and talk honestly about what’s happening, you begin to build a support system that strengthens your ability to parent. If the people you reach out to dismiss your struggles or insist everything is easy for them (implying the problem must be you) then they may simply not be your people. Keep communicating with those in your child’s life and keep seeking support. If it isn’t where you first look, that doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist. Through therapy, parenting groups, community groups, and certain social media groups, there are people who share their real experiences, those messy, honest parts of parenting. When someone’s truth resonates with yours, that connection can remind you that you’re not alone. Sharing those stories and supporting one another can be a genuine lifeline.